So I fell off the wagon and lost myself. I forgot what the point of this blog was. I am back on it though and plan to keep it up.
Now as you might know I suffer from depression and much more. And I let that take me and i sunk into this dark place. After being told by a therapist that I was depressed I never wanted it to be official, I never wanted to have a doctor tell me to my face. I decided recently I wanted to better myself and RENEW myself. I started to: - cut down on junk - address medical issues - set a daily challenge for the month of July - be more positive - get over fears I went to the G.P. to find out if I was diabetic or had high blood pressure thankfully one less thing to worry about. I also went for some official help. I am working on making myself better and changing myself. That"s all for now xx till next time
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Chapter 4/5 trustWhat does trust mean to you?
What does it consist of? Is it important to you? How does someone gain your trust? How do they lose it? Well my trust has to be earned. Yea CLICHE. I can't help it. But you have to. I used to trust people to quickly. And got my heart broken way to much. So I changed that. I got ruthless and relentless. I cut you off once I realised that you couldn't be trusted. Trust is hard because you will never know if a person can be trusted, Until they show their true colours. You will never see their true colours, Unless you give them a chance to show you. Some advice for you: Give people a chance. Do not give them your all. At first only give 25%, then gradually get to 50%. And if they are not equalling you give less. If they still seem to not be giving enough confront them (keep in mind something could be up). If they seem not so bothered cut it. But give them an split road if they really mean that much (we can work on us together or we can work on ourselves and see what happens). But make sure if they don't try you CUT THE TIES THAT BIND YOU. And I know its hard. But life gets so much better once you have done so. It's almost like the weights just fell off. Your fake friends your hang on's are gone. I do hope this has helped someone. And guys look out for the link to my YouTube channel. And the updates to my blogging days. Chapter 3: friends and foesHow can you tell the difference between a friend and a foe.
Is it easy. Is it obvious. Well.................NO It is one of those hings in life that you learn as you go along. You know the saying. KEEP YOUR FRIENDS CLOSE AND YOUR ENEMIES CLOSER. I do NOT follow that. PERSONALLY. But I am not against it. I understand it, it makes sense. It's like watch them look out for them. But I am more I don't need nor do I want you in my life. I don't want the stress. I don't want the time waste. I don't want the energy drain. I wait till that time comes. I find out when i'm in need. Who is by my side. Who checks up on me. Who calls just to talk. I used to be that type that gave 100% and only got 5%. And after a while I realised that is not friendship. I cut those people off I found out who was my foe very quickly. Who only needed me and not wanted me. The need is different from the want. But why. Because when someone is wanted it's deep it's a belonging. When someone is needed it is for a period of time. It is for that moment, and when that need is gone who are you. A small circle is not bad its secure. But make sure that circle is a true circle and not a oval. Meaning make sure it is REAL. Some people are ROCKS they hold you back from your potential Some people are HINGES they give you freedom at their capacity whilst holding you some people are TINTED WINDOWS you can only see the world from one side However the ones that matter are glass windows they shelter you from the cold and rain and cruelty of the world when it occurse and also allow you to see the world around you these friends are also WiFi you are almost always connected and you know that no matter what that connection will always be there. Chapter 2: coping with lonelinessBeing lonely is NOT nice or easy.
It's a complicated. To some it's strange. To me it's actually life. I can be lonely and be in a crowd of people. It's normal. I choose a lot to also be alone. I actually don't like people usually. I'm a recluse. You know I find comfort in being alone most times. I work better alone. BUT.... I still find it hard like I made myself lonely but at the same time there are reasons behind it. Anyway to the topic. How do I cope Firstly I actually enjoy my own company anyway. I also read to past the time. I write songs, stories and poetry. I paint. And listen to music. I also tear myself away from the loneliness and attempt to go out. In order for me not to feel lonely I have to keep busy. And I challenge you to that. When you feel lonely. Do something active. Distract your mind. You can only be lonely if you allow yourself to be lonely. Chapter 1 old ways and new beginningsOld ways and new beginnings what does that mean to you.
To me it means the past and the future. Letting go and recieving. Pain and happiness. finishing and starting. These are just some of the things that come to mind. Now for myself I've had many new beginnings. In the last few months i've had a lot of ends and beginnings. I have ended many deflated friendships. I have ended the labeling of myself. I have ended eating myself half to death with junk. But. I have started a new life. I have started better eating. I have started working on me. I have started positivity. Just to name a few. I urge you to make at least one change before the end of 2017. Be it the company you keep. Or the bad habits you hate. It will make a massive difference. As long as you keep it up that is. And if you want to tell me how it went or want to talk find me on my social media I will reply thats a promise. XOXO Thats all for now till next time So in a time/ world where you must be a Kardashian or Beyonce, to be beautiful self everything is affected. Self- esteem/worth/confidence/ consciousness/ loathing/doubt/ love everything is affected.
Looking at the media as a teen girl I always thought why. Why is she beautiful. Why is she social standards. Why is she NOT ME. And not in the sense I want to be her. But why is she not someone that looks like me. Why is she so flawlessly depicted. Why is she always skinny. Why is she not body shamed socially (not that I have been but I see it a lot) Now i'm not saying there is anything wrong with the Kardashians (well!!!) or Beyonce. But what I am saying is why they are the standards set by the media It seems like to be beautiful you can't be you. So I urge you to be you. I urge you to stand up against this FACADE. See I have been a big heavier set girl all my teen life. And I grew up seeing all these skinny predominantly white females in the media. It made me think I was never good enough. Keeping in mind everything I have been through, that has affected how I feel and look at myself. It made me realise to society I will never be good enough. Here is my list to explain why this is.
But here is the thing some might say well those things are actually not true. The standards are different. There are plus sized models, and black models with natural hair. My response BISH please. There is a size you actually have to be in order to be a plus sized model, Just as there is one for a petite and regular sized models. And there are still more white women not just as models but also in the media than other races. And this image depicted onto us makes me realise you are not beautiful unless you look the part. All the contouring to look lilke a Kardashian after her nose job. Or going to the gym not for you but for society. The weave wearing to fit societies norm. Sure I wear wigs but not for them, but for me. I know when I plat my hair and put on a wig my hair is protected, and is less prone to damage. but guess what, I DO NOT PRETEND IT IS NATURAL I will say I gotta take this wig off my head and I wont be ashamed. 9/10 of the time I wear my fro proud Or I brush it out blow dry it and roll out with the puffy down do. But this is not natural in society. It is not normal. WHAT DOES BEAUTY MEAN TO YOU ? Why do we have to pretend to be someone else. To be BEAUTIFUL I make the attempt to always be me. Even though I have low self everything. I am a BIG GIRL that wears cropped tops and shorts. Because I do not want the world to change who I am I want to. CHANGE THE WORLD. I AM NOT MADE FOR THE NORM ARE YOU Unless you live under a rock or... You just don't date or... You are one of the lucky few that found your true love first time or... those with no feelings what so ever.
And you have never felt your heart shatter into millions of shards. You know this thing called. HEARTBREAK But for the rest of us its inevitable. Now this can come in many shapes and many sizes. It can be expected or random. It could be mutual or one sided. Relationship or friendship . But heartbreak will hurt. And for the most that cry its okay. Guys to, because we need it out of our system. But when the tears stop flowing, make yourself realise no one should make you cry. No one should make you hurt that much. And ladies and gents NO ONE should make you change yourself. See heartbreak usually comes with either revenge body or couch potato body. Now I know it is hard but... You don't have to change you. Unless you did before hand. But you should not let someone else allow you to feel like you need to better yourself. Only you should be able to make you feel you should better yourself. Make them part of the motivation if you want to better you. But DO NOT make them the reason. But as instabilities go heartbreak is one I personally would like thrown out the window. But as my mother tells me. "IT IS THEIR LOSS" They will realise one day what you mean to them, and when that day comes. You decide if you need them in your life. I hope this was not as complicated as it sounded in my head . But please when you fall of. Cry, kick that horse in the arse dust yourself off and try again. XOXO till next time We all have goals.
Or I hope we do. When it comes to goals I believe that you should never stop setting them. I believe that once you reach a goal you should set a new one. For example if you set a five year goal and reach it set a new higher five year goal. Or for a better example, a personal one. In five years I would like to own my first nursery. once achieved, 5 years from the achievement date i would like to own three. Basically never stop because even when you think you are at the top, there is still so much more room to grow. Always give yourself a new goal and never give up. Either way here are some of my goals to achieve by my 20th birthday. Which for those who do not know is Feb 28 next year. I would like to lose weight, I have not decided how much I just know I want to. I would like to finish writing my book for my nephew. I would love to be a registered childminder. I would love to start my youtube channel. I would love to complete my uncompleted tasks. And last but definitely not least. I WOULD LOVE TO BE IN A BETTER PLACE. Thank you for reading. Till next time xoxo Yes fell off.
I fell off the wagon, if you will. I stopped posting, meditating, yoga, writing. EVERYTHING And I am sorry for that. I have decided to set myself this following challenge. I will post every Monday and Thursday. I will wake up and do my yoga and meditation every morning. I will complete all uncompleted tasks before going back to Uni. And I will do something to make this world better. That is all for today and I will see you back here on Thursday. If you have been reading from the first blog, you would know my grandmother passed away.
If not I'll update you. My grandmother passed away in 2014. And I had not really accepted her death. I never wanted to. I had only been to her grave once since her death. And that visit was quick in and out. So I decided to pay my Nan a visit last week. And let me tell you it was not easy. I woke up that morning and instantly this rush of thought came over me. And I started packing a bag to go. Almost like I had no control over my actions. Then when I realised that I was serious about going I started to second guess myself. It then started to rain and initially I told myself GO ANOTHER DAY! But I knew I was not going to go. Mind you it was like a storm outside. But still uncontrolled I got ready and got on the bus. The whole journey I was having a panic attack. My heart felt so heavy. And I kept telling myself it wont hurt to go back. But I was frozen in place. My sweaty palms gripping on to the rails for dear life. Then it was my stop. I thought if the bus does not stop go to the next stop and go home, but it did. Now I got lost looking for my Nan and felt horrid. After a quick call for help I found her. And cried my heart out. I sat with my Nan and I hate bugs and grass but I sat with her. And in that moment the clouds dissipated. No rain just burning sun. I sat and spoke with my Nan for 3 hours. And at the end even when I forced myself I could not cry. At that moment I realised I had accepted she was gone. But that it would be okay. I left and the clouds that where hanging over my head had passed. Literally and metaphorically speaking. A thunderstorm was coming I could hear it in the cemetery, but it didn't rain till I got home. Now I still have the pain and anger that gave me my passion for things. But I don't get consumed by it anymore. My parents are very intelligent, they both told me I need to go to see my Nan so that I could heal. Till next time xxx |